Welcome to TabMag’s series of BDSM articles. I’m Gary, and in the BDSM “scene” I sometimes go by the name “Heathen”. I’m a newcomer to that scene, relatively speaking, having practiced some BDSM things for some time, but only recently becoming involved in the larger community, learning more and making connections with other people. I’ll be writing these articles from the perspective of someone who’s fairly new, hopefully providing a useful jumping-in point for any of you who may also be new, or just curious. You can learn as I do.
Like the home of SandiOnSwinging.com itself, I am located in southern Ontario, Canada, so many of the community resources I’ll be pointing to may be centered on this area, but the general principles apply just about everywhere.
I’ll be presenting some articles on different aspects of the BDSM scene, creating a BDSM Glossary, and providing some useful web links for learning more on your own and getting in touch with the larger community. The articles will be written from the perspective of getting involved in the community and going to parties and events; if that’s not your thing, and you just want to add a few things to your bedroom repertoire, these can still be useful to you. Pay attention to the web resources, links, e-mail lists, and such, watching in particular for workshops–many of the things we do are only safe when done with a knowledgeable hand, and learning from those with experience is the best way.
Keep in mind that these articles are intended only as a starting point, a place to get your footing and jump off from to go and learn more on your own, particularly in person from others who have more experience. In particular, you won’t find much here about the particular methods for any given kind of BDSM play, such as how to use a flogger. It’s not the kind of thing that can easily be taught without doing so in person, and for safety’s sake, that’s the only way I can recommend to learn.
I’d like to take a moment to thank our host Sandi for giving me the opportunity to help others through her site like this. If any of what I write helps you do learn, discover, or have some great new experiences of your own, I invite you to let me know–send in your success stories!
If you have any ideas for articles you’d like to see, terms you’d like added to the glossary, or links you’d like to contribute, you can contact me at swyngtyme@gmail.com.
IMPORTANT: Please be advised that much about BDSM play is inherently risky and can be dangerous, particularly for the inexperienced. Nothing in these articles should be considered to supercede professional medical advice or the advice or opinions of those more experienced at these practices. Have fun, but be safe.
What is it?
What is BDSM? Check the glossary for the specifics of that term, but in short, it is a name for a wide spectrum of practices used for pleasure, sometimes connected with sex and sometimes not. It includes an incredible variety of things, like bondage, spanking, caning, flogging, domination, roleplaying, fetish wear, and lots more. Some of it involves pain play, like the percussion play of spanking, some of it involves a transfer of power from one person to another, like allowing yourself to be dominated by another, some of it involves sensation play, like using ice cubes on your partner’s body. None of these elements are necessary, everything is an option. But using them all together can make things *really* fun!
Why do people like it?
For some, it is matter of enjoying the endorphin rush from the application of pain, but not everyone is into that, and not everyone reacts the same to it. For others, it is the intensification of sexual pleasure — or even a substitute for it — brought about by the myriad of other sensations involved. Still others find pleasure in the exchange of power, either not having to be in control and surrendering to someone else, or being allowed to have that control over another and having someone surrender to them. Indeed, many people who enjoy the power exchange aspects of BDSM are in the opposite role in their day-to-day lives — people who have to be on top of everything, keeping all the balls in the air at work sometimes like to be able to surrender all of that in the bedroom, to finally have a chance to let go and not have to be the one maintaining order for a change–that freedom can allow them great pleasure. And from the opposite perspective, people who have little power or control most of the time can really derive a lot of fun and pleasure from gaining this kind of control over someone, feeling the rush of power that they don’t normally have. It doesn’t require this kind of opposition to be fun, but it does hold true for many.
Do I have to…?
No, you don’t. 🙂 All of the various things in BDSM are all consensual, and you don’t need to do them if you don’t want to. Just because you want to do one thing doesn’t mean you have to do any of the rest. Don’t ever think that you have to be kinky to be fun, or let anyone force you to do something you don’t want to do. It can be fun to have our boundaries pushed a little, but it’s not fun to have our limits violated. As always, communication is key.
Does this make me…?
No, it doesn’t. 🙂 Having some interest in BDSM, or even trying some of it and liking it, doesn’t make you a different person, any more than trying swinging makes you a different person. So what if you’re a little kinky? That doesn’t change the essence of the person you are, or any of your roles, like wife, father, employee or anything else. And the particulars don’t make any changes, either–having a fantasy about a play “rape” scene with your spouse doesn’t mean you secretly want to rape someone or to be raped, it’s just a fantasy. Likewise, enjoying the idea of being dominated by a woman doesn’t make you a weak man, or a bad feminist, or a wuss or anything — indeed, it might even indicate that you’re a stronger person, in that you can admit and be comfortable with the idea. Enjoying dominating another during play doesn’t make you a jerk or a bad person, either.
Is it abuse?
Although some of the practices might seem similar when taken out of context, there is a very specific line between BDSM play and abuse, and that line is consent. Even apparently non-consensual play, like being forced to do or to submit to certain things while tied up and forced into it is still consensual, because while you are not specifically consenting to those particular things at that particular moment, you still gave permission for those things to happen while negotiating and discussing limits beforehand, and you still have safe words to allow you to cause it all to stop at any moment–the consent is still there, and still explicit.
In a case of abuse, however, there is no consent, and the abused party does not have the ability to make the abuse stop at any moment. If BDSM play ever progresses to this point, or you have any concerns that it might, then you may need to be concerned about abuse, and at the very least, need to have a very frank and serious discussion with your play partner, if not stopping all play altogether.