She doesn’t know how to handle his Jealousy of their open relationship…
Dear Frank,
My boyfriend and I are in an open relationship. Until I met him, I was totally monogamous. Being in an open relationship where we both can see other people was totally his idea.
Well, I wasn’t sure at first, but since I have tried going out with other people, I now find I love the attention. I only went after other girls at first, because I thought that would make him happy, but I ended up having two threesomes without my boyfriend (with my female lovers and their husbands). He was really supportive at first, but lately he has really starting to act hurt when I tell him about my dates. I think he might ask me to be monogamous again. I have not had a threesome with him yet, and I know he wants one. Also, he has been so busy with work and school, and was sick lately, that I am the only person he is seeing. I think he is feeling lonely, and I don’t want to lose him, but after the last 3 months I have had, I don’t think I could ever be monogamous again. Last Saturday he wanted to spend time with me, but I had already made a date with another guy. He told me not to cancel it so I went out, but the next day he told me that he cried after I hung up the phone. Should I just break up with him, or should I try really hard to be monogamous again?
Amanda B
Dear Amanda:
Careful what you wish for eh? Most of the time, when a guy wants to be in an open relationship it is because he wants sexual variety, but he tends to underestimate how much opportunity women will have to be in more relationships than he will. Women are on the receiving end of approaches, and if your guy is shy, (or too pre-occupied) to regularly meet new people, then it can be quite a shock to the male ego to see his girl getting lots of attention, while he ends up alone on a Saturday night.
If you want to stay with him, then no, don’t break up. You say that you do not want a monogamous relationship again, and until you speak to him, do not spend time guessing what he is thinking. ASK HIM. I doubt he wants monogamy. He may be unsure about what he is feeling right now. Mainly, the first thing he needs is Reassurance. He needs to know that he is still your primary (assuming that is how you see him), and that you love him. The other thing is that maybe you both need to define some boundaries about the other people you are involved with.
Open relationships do not always mean total free-for-all. There are different types and different rules. If your relationship with him is hurting, that is not good for either of you. I would suggest for starters, that you both designate one day/night a week, every week, where the two of you do something together. Quality time together on a regular basis could ease the tension between you. Also, he needs to go out and meet more people. It sounds like he is hoping that you will recruit women to fulfill his fantasies, and that is OK, but surely there must be more to your relationship with him than that.
~Frank, because I have to be
Writer for SandiOnSwinging.com, you can also visit him at www.franktalks.com