Some People Just Can’t Handle An Open Relationship
Dear Frank,
Yesterday I was on a date, and I told the girl that I was into open relationships. This was our second date. Until that moment, everything between us was fantastic. But this morning I got an email from her saying that she simply could not deal with dating a poly guy. I do not want to lie to the women I date, nor do I want to lead them on. Poly is who I am, but at the same time, this is not the first potential partner I have lost due to being honest about my beliefs. However this IS the first time in a long time that I have felt so strongly for another person. Everything I have ever read about being poly says that I need to be honest and upfront about it, yet I can’t help but wonder if I had kept my big mouth shut, that we would have continued to build a relationship, and then maybe, after we both felt secure about it, brought it up gradually and who knows?Maybe she’d have discovered that poly was for her too at that point. I hate the idea of lying about it or cheating on a partner (I haven’t crossed that line ever). In fact, I know people who encourage adultery as an accepted way of life, but when I talk to them about being poly instead, they look at me like I am an idiot. Is it OK to omit telling the truth, at least at first? I am only looking for an open relationship.
-Asker81
Dear Asker81,
Ok first off, the only time you can be directly open about being poly is when you are dating women that they themselves are openly poly. That is to whom the literature you have read applies to. If you date a swinger or a poly girl, you will have to talk about what is going to happen, out of respect for all your other partners. If you are dating a girl that comes from a mainly monogamous background, then telling her in the first few dates, before you even have sex with her will send her running.
The ONLY time a woman has not run from me when I told her was when SHE WAS ALREADY into me. At that point, I could have claimed I believed in passing gas as a religion, and she would not have cared. Pick up a copy of my book From Loser To Seducer, and check out my rules for Harem Management. It covers in some detail how to be honest about being poly, without messing up your chances and scaring her off before she gives it a chance. In my experience, it is best to develop the connection first, and worry about the relationship structure later. If she feels a connection to you strongly enough, she will follow whatever relationship structure you then set.
I believe that women are more flexible than men, and can change their core, or their programming more easily than men, which is why men must lead the relationship. I also think this is the underlying reason why women think that men will change for them out of acts of love, they are projecting what they (the women) would do themselves for the person they love.
~Frank, because I have to be
Writer for SandiOnSwinging.com, you can also visit him at www.franktalks.com where he talks more about having an open relationship.