Dear Frank,
My husband and I are devastated. We are in our thirties with two children and we would be considered new swingers because we have been experimenting in the swinger lifestyle for about a year. We haven’t even yet had a full couple swap with anyone. We are very new and very beginner and have been keeping this very quiet. Only a handful of my best girlfriends know (I told three of them over drinks). My husband says he never told any of his friends.
Well, somehow my parents found out. They are very conservative and sexually uptight. My mother drove over yesterday when my husband was at work and my kids were in school and she spent 4 hours lecturing me about what was wrong with what we were doing. I have never seen her so infuriated and she was so insulting. She ranted about things like us going to hell, how everyone in the neighborhood was talking about me, and even threatened to do whatever she had to, to take my kids away from me. I was in tears and got so mad that I kicked her out of my house. We screamed at each other in the driveway until she finally left.
I was a wreck all night and my husband says that if things get worse for us in this neighborhood that we would move, but at the same time is furious with me for telling my friends. He thinks one of them started to gossip. I am beside myself, and I really do not know what to do. I tried calling my parents, but my father says that neither of them wants to talk to me until I change. How do I mend my relationship with my parents?-New Swingers Feeling Guilty in BC
Dear BC,
Ouch. Ok, first of all, until your parents calm down there is no talking to them. In order for a reconciliation to happen both parties have to want it first. Your parents are not ready, and pursuing the matter with them at this time will not make things better. Give them time and given the threats of trying to take your kids away, I say leave them be. You never invite people into your life that would tear your family apart.
Right now, you are being hurt on all fronts. You will have to earn your husband’s trust again for starters. Never put your friends ahead of your family. As you are learning right now, your friends are never as invested in you as your primary partner must be. Your friends betrayed you (at least one of them may have). For all you know someone that you know may have seen you at a swingers club, or found out through the other couples you met through the lifestyle. Not everyone you will meet is discreet. You never know who is in bed with who, or who knows people that know people. Try contacting your friends and ask if any of them shared this news.
You mentioned nothing of your neighbors, so until you actually see them change their attitudes towards you (boycotting you or aggressively hitting on you) then do not worry about it, unless you live in a very conservative area. Some people are very easily upset by what they do not understand or secretly envy.
Check with a lawyer in family law to see if there is any merit to your mother’s threats. Swinging is not always legal depending where you are and you need to know your rights and boundaries.
Lastly, you must realize that there are certain things you need not share with people. Your relationship with your husband and children is your priority and if you have loose lips when drinking, then stop drinking.
~Frank, because I have to be
Writer for SandiOnSwinging.com, you can also visit him at www.franktalks.com where he talks more to New Swingers. Or checkout his newest book Friends To Lovers Formula.